The musty smell of humanity surrounds me from every angle. In the dark of night, a railroad car, no room to breathe, time lost to insanity. Last night, twelve SS men broke into our home and our lives were changed forever. Abandoned by Adonai, I never dreamed this would happen to us. Right in this moment, where our lives hang in the balance, I think to myself just how much easier life would be if human beings could easily accept what befalls them, what frightens us.
The worry and dread I feel have paralyzed me, and I have difficulty breathing. My muscles are in knots, the exhausting heat overwhelms, there is nowhere to move. Fear sticks to me like the wet clothing that clings to my perspiration. My mind has difficulty knowing what I have done to deserve this. Whom have I wronged? I must have done something awfully bad and this is my just reward. This is my new reality. Anger builds up at my temples and I feel like a bomb ready to explode. My heart races even more. I want to run. There is no place to go.
Just as I feel I have reached the end of my rope, an elderly man noticing my angst tries to console me. I refuse to listen. This is my new reality and I deny myself all possibility of return. I cannot eliminate this feeling that I brought this upon myself. I look the gentleman in the eyes and I see his soul. I see fire embers burning inside his golden-amber eyes. He asks me the question, “What does this have to do with reality?”
Our lives have come to a crawl in this malodorous rail car meant for livestock and cattle. Not only the rail speed, but the swiftness of the lives within. It is as if our feet have been cut off completely and we can no longer stand. Literally, I sense my eyes rolling back in my head, I feel faint, and fall to the feces-laden deck. Who I am, inside and out, has captured the fascination of a ruthless people. A people hellbent on destroying me.
My mind is reeling in fear. I fade into a space between fantasy and reality. My struggle for courage, to see things as they are, is eaten up by a mass wall of fear. Spasms of fear are eating me up from the inside, and I dread the thought of our destination. Perhaps I was so complacent in my life that I never had the courage to face who I really am? Fear within and around me, so much of it, that I didn’t even realize they existed.
My words expose fear hiding inside me as my beliefs bear witness to terror. Were these people not recently part of my life, fellow citizens, neighbors? And now they wish me ill will. Like these Nazi’s imposing their will upon me, fear inhabits my brain. I have made them part of my life. It is difficult to remember a time where fear did not exist. It feels like I am stuck in quicksand, my heart races, as fears fuel the speed of my descent into the abyss, and I cannot let them go.
I once wrote a story about my life and discovered a lot about who I was. My contemplation was free and there was nothing blocking the flow of expression. Wanting to dig deeper into my story I found the main areas of my life subject to the circumstances I was in. They were subject to fear and the tricks of my ego. From the job I had as a school teacher to the many relationships with others. I took a long look at what motivated me and others that held me back. No one could have ever told me I would be in this place at this time under these circumstances.
I fear time is not on our side. The heat has become unbearable. Old and young alike are dropping like flies. A woman with three young children just lets out a heart wrenching scream. I look over in that direction and see my own mother in my mind’s eye. This causes me to worry even more. Why are the Nazi’s taking these steps to take us prisoner? Quickly, I ask myself, “What are the steps I will need to take in order to survive this nightmare?” I remember my father reminding me that my circumstances will always keep changing all the time and to not live in the past.
As I attempted to tell myself this would only be a temporary setback, fear of the unknown battled for my attention. A small voice inside me said, “You can deal with this! Why are you so afraid?” The thought that I might never be able to escape this dreadful life was overwhelming. In this particular situation, failure was not an option, for my deepest thoughts led me to a dark place where death had dominion over me.
Everyone is afraid of failure to some degree, I thought to myself, as image upon image of my childhood raced through my mind. I saw my mother and father arguing over spilled milk. The most minute infraction would stir up a vicious backlash. And here I lay on the floor held prisoner for being who I am.
Though I have been stripped of my dignity and freedom, my image of failure is one of my inability to persuade others that wrongdoing is not living to our highest self. Sadness creeps in as it echoes in my brain, that those who would have me imprisoned, further their quest to annihilate an entire people, will never see the injustice in their actions. They live in a world of fear!
When the train whistle warned of our final destination. The train ends here! My attitude changed and this harrowing train ride taught me that I can rise above deep sorrowful pain and anything specific these murderous haters have to inflict. Such hate and negativity, I will outlive you, in life or in death. My story and the stories of others will help remind me that love wins over fear.
The German folke are people I know, people I have been competing with a lot since we were kids, and when they didn’t win, their parents praised them anyhow and told them that it was also a part of the great rise of the Nazi party. Now I am here as the boxcar door opens. Will I survive? I leave that to a higher power. If the Nazi’s are empowered by destroying one life, it will take many dead before they will feel successful; it is a coward’s game.
It is a myth that one is perfect because of their pedigree, and that work makes freedom. I think it works this way: I accept that I make mistakes, but I learn, because I WANT to grow. The destructive powers of fear and hate do not change for they cannot grow. They sustain the equipped construction of destruction. The belief that they are the perfect race perpetuates social inequity and fear.
The Nazi success could only happen if I lose myself to their hate. I am convinced that I can withstand all hate by letting go of fear. My heart is in my throat, and it will be important for me to be selected for the line that leads to living. Fear has left me, and I am as strong as all the ancestors before me. I am whole and complete. Amid the dark of night a light shines.